


of firsts

by xuxilove



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Bisexual Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Canon Compliant, First Kiss, Fluff, Idols, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Soft Bang Chan, Soft Lee Felix (Stray Kids), felix is just a soft boy ok!!, its cute ok, lix is a bisexual king, lix is just a cutie baby, this is my first skz fic???, tiny angst??? not really???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:28:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27780790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xuxilove/pseuds/xuxilove
Summary: felix is a little restless and confused about what he means to chan.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 7
Kudos: 176





	of firsts

Felix had always been pretty comfortable with his sexuality, he liked boys and he liked girls. It was simple, really. Although he grew up in a heteronormative society, he knew who he liked and didn’t care if people thought it was ‘wrong’.  
His family, friends and members all knew, he’d never hidden the fact that he had crushes on girls or kissed a few boys back in Australia.  
Even Felix’s mum wasn’t shocked when she’d walked into his room, her sons head nestled into another boys neck, both of them shirtless and under the covers. She hadn’t cared that it was a boy he lay with, just concerned since he was still young.

Moving to Korea was a different story and a lot more difficult to be openly bisexual. He knew that he’d have to be careful, not only as he was becoming an idol but also the fact that the country wasn’t the friendliest toward the lgbtq+ community. 

Of course at first, to Felix, the rest of the members were all straight. He hadn’t moved to Korea thinking there were no gay people but part of him really did think they were straight.  
That was until Hyunjin complained about one of the other trainees giving terrible head. Felix didn’t think much of it, trainees fucked around all the time, then Hyunjin referred to them as ‘hyung’ and Felix, though he spoke little Korean, understood he was talking about a male trainee.

And although Felix very quickly learned Hyunjin was gay, it still was overwhelming coming to a foreign country like Korea, but Felix felt comforted the moment he arrived and that comfort came from Chan.

Chan, the person who welcomed him with open arms, the first person in Korea he felt at home with. Before he could communicate with the other guys, Chan was always the bridge between them, Jisung helped of course, being fluent in English was extremely helpful in Felix’s case, he wanted to grow closer to the others, but he knew it would take time, Korean wasn’t easy.

As their leader, Chan had a lot on his broad shoulders, he was so open and supportive of the boys, not only just within work, but personally too. Chan always told Hyunjin he could do better than the guys who fucked and left, comforted Jeongin when he was so confused about being asexual, and when Jisung let the members knew he was gay, he was right there with him. But through all this, Chan never spoke about his own love life.

The boys teased him over the years about the girls who flirted with him, the trainees who couldn’t stop staring at ‘Bang Chan Oppa’ and even the staff who smiled a bit too hard when he spoke to them.

So if he didn’t think Chan was straight before he got to know him, he definitely did after. 

As time passed, Felix felt conflicted. Chan had always been affectionate, and Felix took it to be the supportive, brotherly type affection, he told him he was loved and complimented him, hyping up his vocals or telling him his dancing was beautiful. Felix never read into it much, especially since Felix’s affection was often mistaken for flirting. Being the member who loved skin-ship the most, who fell asleep whilst cuddling and loved showering the others with so much love and affection, he knew how it felt. But lately, Felix was getting confused.

Chan’s affection was the thing confusing him. Chan would say he adored Felix with such intensity and then compare him to his younger brother in the same breath. As they went through trials and tribulations together, they grew closer as any friends would. It was the same with all 8 of them, they leaned on each other a lot more as they went through tougher situations. He knew he felt something different toward Chan than the others, though. 

Now, Felix was wide awake in the kitchen at 3am, a time where he was usually cuddled up with his plushies and dreaming of going on a date with Chan. And not the type of date where they play UNO together and joke about how competitive they both are.

The way in which Chan treated Felix had changed over the past few months. Chan often got home in the early morning after being in the studio all day, then leave after minimal sleep, but always made sure to come back home for when Felix was waking up. Chan would even have two breakfasts if that meant eating with the younger in the mornings. But who knows if this actually meant anything.

Felix’s thoughts were interrupted by one of the members stumbling into the kitchen.  
“Yongbokie, why are you awake?” It was Changbin’s raspy voice. His hair was fluffy and face puffy from sleep. “You’re not gonna stress bake are you?” He joked, his laugh husky and smile big.

“Couldn’t sleep hyung.” And Felix had of course considered baking, but didn’t want to wake the boys with the sound of the electric mixer.

Changbin rubbed his eyes and headed to the refrigerator for a bottle of water before coming to sit opposite Felix.  
“What’s on your mind?” He asked, popping the cap and taking a large gulp, grimacing slightly at the shock of cold.

“Why would there be something on my mind?” Felix asked, rather defensively. By accident of course. he didn’t want to sound suspicious, but here he was.

“You’re the only one of us that never has trouble sleeping, you pass out as soon as your arms are around something.” Changbin laughed gently, his whole face smiling.

Felix rolled his eyes and smiled, Changbin’s face when he laughed was one of the cutest things. 

“Okay, you have a point. I don’t know, I’m probably overthinking things.” 

“You’re not the type to do that either. Tell me what you’re thinking about, Lix.” Changbin sat forward and rested his chubby cheeks on his fists, staring at Felix with sleepy eyes.

Felix sat and contemplated for a few moments. Out of everybody, Felix was the closest with Changbin, so close that fans actually thought they were dating for a while, Felix always found that so funny, he had never even looked at Changbin like anything other than a brother.

Still, as close as they were, he didn’t want to reveal his secret, that was way too intimidating. So he made something up.

“I’m really homesick.” Well it wasn’t a complete lie. “I miss my mum a lot, Binnie.” Felix pouted and Changbin reached out for his hands.

“Have you called her lately?” Changbin asked, his head slightly tilted with a small frown on his face.

“We’ve been so busy with the album, then the repackage and the stages, the shows and the video calls. I think I’ve just blocked out how much I actually miss home.” Felix let out a deep sigh and looked into Changbin’s eyes and frowned. “Does that make me a bad son?” 

Changbin let go of Felix’s hands and walked round the table to hug him from where he sat. Now, Felix was feeling guilty for lying, or well, avoiding the truth.

“Baby it’s okay. I know she understands. You’re chasing your dream, that doesn’t make you a bad son.” Changbin held him tightly. “Maybe try calling her when you wake up? I’m sure she’d drop everything for you anyway.” Changbin squeezed and let go, Felix looked up at him and gave a soft smile, to which Changbin answered with a kiss on his forehead, making Felix smile more. 

“Thank you, hyung.” Changbin shook his head and took Felix’s tiny hand in his only slightly bigger one, urging him to stand up.

“Let’s get you back to bed, baby.” Felix stood up and took small steps behind Changbin until they reached the room they shared. Felix was about to climb into his own bed when Changbin pulled him back and tucked Felix in with him.

“Goodnight, Lixie.” Changbin said with a yawn and fell instantly asleep. At least Felix could snuggle up to him, even if he didn’t sleep that night.

Changbin never asked him why he was up at 3am the next few days after, mainly because he was too worried about actually leaving the room so he just sat in bed, contemplating his feelings.

Felix had three questions. Well actually way more than three, but three main ones.  
Does Chan actually feel the same way as Felix does?  
Does Felix actually have the guts to tell Chan?  
If (big if) Chan feels the same way, what would they do about it?

Felix’s mind ran overtime and it wasn’t long before it started to affect his performances at practice and his general lack of being awake every other time.

“Yongbok-ah.” Minho shouted and threw a chopstick at Felix’s sleeping head.

“Ay, stop it.” Chan scolded Minho and hit him with a spoon in retaliation.

Felix looked up at Chan who softly smiled at him, there was a hint of sadness in his eyes but it quickly turned to amusement when Jeongin managed to spill a whole carton of milk on Changbin’s leg.

“Clean it up, now.” Minho sighed and rolled his eyes, in true Minho fashion.

Jeongin fussed around Changbin who slapped his hands away and grabbed a wad of napkins, trying his best to soak up what he could before leaving to get changed.

Chan sat down next to Felix, he pulled him closer and ran his hand through Felix’s hair. 

“I’m heading back to the studio after dinner. How about you come with me? There’s something I want your opinion on.” Chan spoke softly, not loud enough for the rest of the boys to hear.

Felix hummed and nodded, before nestling into Chan’s neck. Felix didn’t even really process what Chan had said, he was too tired to focus on much.

After dinner, Felix was about to head straight to bed, forgetting Chan’s request to come with him, until Chan caught him in the hallway.  
“Lix, you still want to come with me?” Felix looked up, his fists wiped at his tired eyes as Chan smiled softly at him.

“To where?” Felix asked, gaining a laugh out of Chan. Chan dragged Felix to his room pulled a jacket and a pair of shoes out of the closet, urging Felix to put them on.

The journey to the company building was quiet, Chan knew Felix was overtired but needed to bring him along with him, much to Felix’s annoyance.

They said hello to the staff at reception and made their way up to the studio Chan always worked in, his laptop under his arm and a smile on his face, and although Felix was tired beyond belief, Chan’s little smile aimed at him made his heart glow. 

Felix sat down on the sofa, back straight enough to make sure he didn’t slump into a slumber accidentally. He watched as Chan got settled, opening up his programmes and making sure everything was set. Felix looked on dreamily, he was always mesmerised by Chan. Every little thing the elder did was like magic to Felix.

“What are you thinking about?” Chan said softly, he didn’t even turn his head but knew that Felix was staring at him.

“Mmm.” Felix muttered, not giving Chan an answer at all.  
“Don’t ‘mmm’ me.” Chan turned to look at Felix, his cheeky smile travelling to his eyes. “Why are you staring at me?” He was teasing him, and Felix felt the blush rise in his face, knew his cheeks were glowing with embarrassment.

“Nothing.” He mumbled in response, going deeper inside his hoodie and trying to laugh it off.

“So I’m nothing now then, huh?” Chan stood and made his way over to Felix, sitting beside the curled up blonde and swinging an arm around him.

“Thought you wanted to show me something?” Felix asked after a few minutes of silence, Chan just kind of looking at him strangely.

Chan nodded and walked back over to the desk, clicking a few things on his laptop and playing a new track for Felix.

The beat was softer than the things Chan had been working on recently, wasn’t as trap heavy and didn’t sound like it could be the beat for much of a rap. Felix uncurled himself and stood by Chan, resting his hands on the desk and looking closely at the note page that was up against the software. They appeared to be lyrics, all English too.

“You’ve got lyrics already?” Felix asked, scanning the words to get a feel of the song Chan was composing. 

“I had the lyrics first, I just wrote what I felt, I guess.” Chan rubbed at the back of his neck, a tell-tale sign that he was embarrassed.

There were little things in the lyrics, things that resonated with Felix. Like the midnight sky on their trips on the rooftop, the smell of salt on his skin when they went to the beach. The glowing skin and the love in his eyes.

Felix looked at Chan, confusion in his eyes. Was this about Felix? Had Chan really written this about him?

Chan reached out his hands, avoiding eye contact with the younger. Felix placed his much smaller hands in Chan’s and let himself be pulled onto his lap.

“I never knew how to talk to you about it,” Chan began, still not looking at Felix. “I didn’t know- well, I still don’t know, how you feel. I thought this was the only way I knew how to tell you.” Chan’s voice faltered off and Felix took this as him being finished.

Felix untangled one of his hands from Chan’s, lifting it to place it under his chin, tilting his head in order to get him to look at him. Chan’s low eyes finally locked onto Felix’s.

“I think, from the moment you made me a part of this family, I knew I wanted to be loved by you.” Felix said quietly, even though in this moment it was clear to both of them they felt the same way, there was still uncertainty between them. “I’ve wanted to be yours, Chan.”

Chan blushed and smiled at Felix’s words, and Felix was already blushing with the words that came out of his own mouth.

“You’re mine and I’m yours, Felix.” Chan whispered, taking his free hand wrapping it around the back of Felix’s head, pulling him down into his embrace.

The kiss was soft, Felix’s plump lips finding comfort on Chan’s mouth straight away, they both smiled into it, making it even sweeter than he thought his first kiss with Chan to be possible. 

They pulled apart, resting their foreheads together and sighing contently. Chan repositioned Felix onto his lap and the latter giggled ever so softly, finally being in Chan’s arms how he’d dreamed for so long.

“I want this for a long time, Lix. I want to love you for a long time.” Chan hummed after giving the younger a soft peck.

“And I’ll love you for as long as this world will let me.” Felix said, moving his lips back to their new position, against Chan’s.

**Author's Note:**

> hihi! its not yujae for once, (im working on it) but my friend demi requested soft chanlix so here we are!! hope you enjoyed! 🥺


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